What I Realized on my Summer Vacation

I'm back in San Francisco, listening to the sounds of construction as I try to settle back into my west coast life and figure out the plan for this week (grad school orientation starts tomorrow).

It was a little strange to leave San Francisco to visit Vermont, then head to Boston for a few days, before coming back here. I grew up in a tiny little town in rural vermont and spent years scrambling toward the exit sign. I was so excited to get the hell out of there and never look back. When I visit, I remember that I never really fit into the culture of that small town, and of course I still don't. But Vermont is just so beautiful. It's small, and soft, and green, and quiet, with quirky weather and any number of endearing qualities. After living in the city for so many years now -- and having just moved to San Fran, which is about 40% bigger, population-wise, than Boston, and therefore totally stuffed to the gills with people -- becoming progressively more anonymous among the crowds, I can kind of see what draws people to move to Vermont, or at least someplace nearby. I know that I'm romanticizing the concept, at least partly because I'm increasingly sure that San Francisco, the city at least, isn't really the best fit for me. Conceptually it's great, but I don't know if a few years here is going to make me consider SF to be "home."

Actually, that's really the crux of the issue. I miss the feeling of having history in a place, of being "from" there, of being "at home." When I was in Vermont, I felt like I was at home, and then in Boston I felt like I was at home. All I could think when I got on the plane to come back to SF was that I was one step too removed from where I was supposed to be. Just a feeeling of wrongness or something.

I'm not sure if that's because I'm a big baby about the whole moving thing, or if it's a gut feeling that I need to pay attention to. I guess I'll pay some attention to it and see how I feel in a few years when we're at the point where we might relocate. As TCH told me last night, we should take some time to enjoy the next few years, and make a decision when we're able to make an actual change. So the plan is to put off worrying about it, which is always a challenge for me. I'll try.